


That Damn Antivan

by LyneOfMidgard



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Hilarity, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8313913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyneOfMidgard/pseuds/LyneOfMidgard
Summary: The innocent Laeti is going out of her mind at Zevran's antics, who in turn, is going mad with Laeti's lack of supposed desire for him, unaware that both are driving one another insane, hilarity and akwardness ensues.





	1. Blonde Elven Nightmare

It was in Laeti's most knowledgeable opinion that that damn Antivan was going to drive her insane FAR faster than any Fade Demon could.

As a Dalish, sex had never, NEVER pressed on her mind, and temptation had never placed its tempting self right before her innocent gaze. Now, here it was, temptation incarnate, in the smirking flesh, striding along exactly three and a half paces behind her with that confident swagger of his. Living Lust's blonde hair rustled softly in the damp, Fereldon wind in its meticulous braidings from his charming, tattooed features. His dual daggers glimmering with an exotic poison from their perches upon his back with every wide step the elf took.

And the Hero of Fereldon knew all this without turning her green eyed gaze to the three and a half step gap lurking just behind her cloaked back.

In her expert opinion as the 'We've Got No One Else' Hero of Fereldon, Laeti was going insane, she really was.

The Blight itself, the ruination of the world, the haunting abomination controlling it all, The Archdemon.. Such thoughts of a dark, terrifying, yet utterly important nature were terribly absent. And, alarmingly, however much she attempted to revive the dire topic.. Certain, un-blight like thoughts kept wandering in.

As they were, just this moment.

_Hot hands pressed against her hips, calloused, tough fingertips gently dug into the flesh sternly as-_

Humming loudly to dismiss the steamed thoughts, Laeti's steps suddenly halted, bringing the group of odd misfits at her heels to a stumbling, confused stop as she swung her pack off of her back and slammed it into the damp soil of the trail before opening it with a slender hand, and rifling through the many contents in the pursuit of a folded up and wrinkled map. Heaving it out, Laeti narrowed her drifting eyes sternly to the withered paper in an attempt to actually pay attention to the trails and routes on the map, instead of drifting into nonsense land and daydreaming about, well..

_'Move here, hold still..' Zevran murmered softly, his handsome voice laced with lust._

Oh damn. Now she was day dreaming, about her daydreams. Raising her humming to an even louder volume, Laeti drowned out such carnal thoughts. Managing to raise quite a degree of bemused bewilderment in her travelling companions as she did so. Laeti crumpled the page before shoving it back into the pouch at the side of the backpack as her travelling companions shifted and glanced about the trail restlessly.

"Ooh!" Leliana cooed with a wide grin, "I love that song! However did you hear of it? That tune, I've only heard it in Orlais!"

"Hmm?" Laeti blinked in surprise, lifting her hooded features from behind the bag with a stubborn blush settled sternly across her elven features, "Oh! I had a friend, she used to travel quite a lot, for trading, you see.. Anyway, she travelled to Orlais, and returned, and claimed that the song was cursed- She couldn't stop humming it!"

Leliana chuckled softly, "Ah, but that's not the cursed song.. I could teach it to you, you know.. Of course, after I sing it for you, you'll be completely unable to stop flirting with me.." Leliana teased gently with a warm, slightly flirtacious grin across her features.

Laeti blinked slowly, "What an odd curse!" She grinned innocently.

Leliana breathed out in exasperation.

Zevran grinned warmly as he crossed his arms over his chest with a fond look towards Laeti before directing a cocky grin to Leliana, "And you say you're so _innocent_.." He scolded flirtaciously with a suggestive grin across his elven features.

Alistair frowned thoughtfully in puzzlement, his brow furrowing in confusion as he crouched to the ground beside Laeti's form. Hooking a hand on the leather pack, Alistair stood and swung the overflowing bag onto his back easily with a helpful smile across his adorable features. "Oof, is all this stuff in here really necessary?" He teased with a sweet smile.

Laeti rose indignantly, "Of course! There's just spare clothes, bedrolls, food, and important potions in there!"

"And about fifty herbs you have no idea what they do." Alistair returned with a charming grin.

"Morrigan is a potion brewer! She'll be able to use them-"

"I'm not such an advanced potion brewer that I can create healing potions from _weeds_." Morrigan argued from the back of the group with a cross look.

"You'll be able to _eventually!_ And then you'll be pleased I took them along!"

Oghren huffed drunkenly, "I don't see why she's gotta hum so blighting loud, givin' everyone a poudin' headache.."

"Just _your_ hungover head." Wynne informed bluntly with a derisive look downward to the drunken dwarf. "As for the humming, well- The apprentices used to do it to focus their minds-" Wynne smiled knowingly, "Though I believe demons are not what our leader is avoiding."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

That Antivan was a curse on her mind, a plague on her thoughts, Laeti considered as she led the way down yet another trail winding through yet another abandoned town, all of it lost to the blight. And it seemed that every time Laeti could haul her mind back on track, Zevran went and said something like-

"Has anyone told you what marvelous eyes you possess, my dear?" A voice three and a half paces behind her purred with desire. _That_. Everytime she got her mind on track, he said something like _that_ and set every nerve in her body aflame. For one heart stopping moment, Laeti couldn't tell who he was speaking to. Reaching up a hand, she pulled her green hued hood lower over her eyes, her cheeks burning so brightly red that they could start the night's campfire easily. Nervously, her fingers twitched and fidgeted with the rim of the hood as her mouth gaped open with a dumb, stammering response.

Luckily, Laeti was in the lead, and thus no one saw her foolishness in the time that lapsed between the suave, charming comment, and the _proper_ woman answering.

"Again with the flattery? Do you not tire from these pointless exercises?" Morrigan rolled her eyes unamusedly. Not that Laeti could tell, being in front and all. It just seemed like something Morrigan was bound to do.

Leati's brow furrowed in bafflement, Zevran was.. Confusing.

Any Dalish knew that two adult elves, each with their blood writing, picked their wives, their husbands but once in their lives, and remained loyal to them throughout all of their lives. They flirted with none other than their lovers, and since everyone in the Clan grew up together- It was often close childhood friends that were wed. Flirting before marriage was an awkward, awkward ordeal that rarely happened.

But yet, Zevran flirted with anything that, well.. Moved.

"In Antiva, women are accustomed to being showered with the praise they deserve. Men should worship you at your feet as you pass." Zevran continued charmingly, no doubt wearing that smug grin of his. Yes, Laeti didn't even have to turn _around_.

_Ba-dump, Ba-dump, Ba-dump.. She could feel her own heartbeat intermingled with his as her arms tangled lustfully around his chest.. A shy grin placing itself across her features as she-_

What was that damn antivan DOING to her? Laeti thought in disgust as she tugged her green hood further over her raging red features with a drawn, miserable wince.

"They don't find that incredibly annoying?" Morrigan lustfully purred back, imittating the tone in which Zevran had started the annoying exchange. Laeti removed her fidgeting hands from the rim of the hood, dropping her hands to her sides as she strictly forced her gaze on the road ahead. The last time she took her gaze off the bushes that lined the path- A blonde Antivan assassin had an entire ambush set up.

Besides that, she considered sternly, it provided a distraction. No witty humans, no distractions, and absolutly NO Zevran related thoughts were allowed to linger- Her mind must remain solely upon the path ahead.

"They are goddesses receiving their subjects, just as you should be. Whatever would be annoying about that?" Zevran continued easily, the words coming slick and smooth.

Laeti gave up, she really did and covered her tired eyes with an exasperated sigh.

Damn those Antivans.

"I have no wish to be placed upon a pedestal." Morrigan replied boredly.

"But you deserve no less! You should be admired by painters, copied by sculptors, exalted by poets! Surely you know that yours is a beauty so exotic it- it would turn the eye of the Maker himself!" Zevran continued, his tone lustful, adoring and in that _delicious_ \- er.. _Exotic_ accent of his, it was hard to ignore.

"Well, I suppose I..." Morrigan mumbled, weary, but flattered.

Laeti couldn't help but respect how long Morrigan held out. As a rule, when Zevran started his attention on herself, Laeti would turn tail, come up with some bumbling excuse, and go hunting.

She swore that he survived on the ordeal, getting younger, and brighter every time he did it.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"And there we go." He replied shortly with a cocky grin and a bored, suddenly uninterested look towards the dark mage.

Another challenge conquered, Zevran thought smugly with a charmingly cocky grin falling across his handsome features. Honestly, he'd been _offended_ when- Ah, screw it, Zevran thought with an exasperated sigh. He could get _anyone_ he wanted- there was no secret of it.

But he couldn't get _her_.

It was just his luck that the one woman in Thedas who held his attention didn't desire him in the _slightest_. Well, that was perhaps why she held it. Little teasing minx, Zevran thought to himself as a fond smile fell over his features as his gaze settled on Laeti's cloaked back. _Ah, I wonder what that heavy cloak hides.._ Zevran's grin turned dream like and his eyes faded into another- Steamier world.

"By the Maker! You were right! You win, I guess.." Alistair blinked slowly in reluctantly impressed shock.

Zevran smirked, snapping out of his dirty, yet oddly creative thoughts and threw a confident look towards the chantry boy. "Thank you, ser. I expect payment forthwith" Zevran remarked arrogantly.

"I hate you all." Morrigan snapped sharply, imagining a thousand different ways to rid herself of the pesky Antivan. None of course, being particularly pleasant.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Laeti slipped a hand beneath the hood, rubbing the base of her neck nervously as she confusedly pondered the puzzle that was Zevran.

The Dalish pulled her hood down lower, lightly pulling her lip between her teeth and nipping it in thought. _It must be a city elf thing._

There was a reason Dalish and City Elves didn't...

_Fingernails grazed over the inside of her sensitive thighs-_

But it did make some pretty visual daydreams! Laeti thought in exasperation as she took to humming twice as loud as ever before.


	2. Maddening Little Dalish

The Dalish woman had finally given up, she really had- But she had one final plan to attempt to preserve her waning sanity, before she surrendered completely to her Antivan driven insanity and ran off to join the Darkspawn, that was.

"You're staying behind, Zevran." Laeti informed the Antivan bluntly across the smoldering embers of the dying campfire.

Wynne dropped a pan.

Alistair choked on his cheese.

Sten dropped his sword.

Oghren spat out his ale- directly into the face of Morrigan. The dark haired witch directed a vicious, seething glare towards the now incredibly sober dwarf. Smoke hissed off the drenched witch's features as Morrigan's sheer rage incited her magic.

"Run." She snarled, stepping forward a single pace intimidatingly.

The beserker (Who, mind you, has stood hundreds of battles against darkspawn and countless brawls with a very drunken, very pissed off wife) suddenly turned on his heel and dashed the other direction.

Zevran raised an amused eyebrow to Laeti's cloaked form indulgently. "Am I?" He inquired innocently from his perch upon the log beside the now raging fire, directing a look Laeti's way that read quite simply 'Oh, you silly little thing..'

"Yes," Laeti stood taller, attempting to reinforce her voice with the command that The Hero of Fereldon probably should have. "Yes, you are. You'll stay at the camp while I scout with Alistair, Morrigan- Unless she's burst into flames by then, and Wynne." Laeti ordered simply.

Zevran grinned charmingly, lifting his dual swords from their resting places against the log, and smoothly slid them into their sheaths tied across his back with a cocky look towards Laeti. "Is that so?" He mused in a tantalizingly delicious accent.

"You realize you have two mages, no?"

"No." Laeti answered simply before freezing abruptly, not particularly paying much attention to the noises that came out of his mouth, "Er," She stammered quickly, "I mean yes!"

"You realize that mages are fight AWAY from the battle, no?"

"No." Laeti answered quickly once again before stiffening with an embarressed red settling across her features. Damn that accent! "I mean yes! They're long distance fighters!"

"And, you are an archer."

"Yes!" Laeti grinned proudly; She actually CAUGHT that one!

"My dear Laeti- If you wish to have Alistair murdered, you need only ask.." Zevran trailed off with a cunning grin across his lips. "And I can do so much more tactfully than any Darkspawn."

Alistair leapt to his feet across the camp, "No! No murdering Alistair!" He insisted sternly. "I enjoy living, thank you. I've got a lot more stuff to do."

"What, like kiss a woman for the first time?" Zevran grinned, "Most accomplish that before the age of ten, Chantry Boy."

"WHO kisses a girl before the age of TEN?"

"Why, yours truly." Zevran flashed Alistair his most charming, smug grin.

"I walked into that one." Alistair lamented bitterly with a drawn sigh.

"I'm not trying to have Alistair murdered!" Laeti protested over their squabbling voices. Zevran grunted with effort as he lifted his weighted pack and slung it over his shoulder. "My dear Grey Warden, three ranged fighters, no matter how skilled they are- Are never going to amount to the same sized target as a templar."

"So no," Zevran smiled pleasantly, "You are NOT leaving me behind, my dear Grey Warden. Besides-" He shrugged his arms aimlessly, "What would I do at camp while you are away? I am an assassin- we do not twiddle our thumbs and prepare lunch for when you return- Our time is best spent fighting."

"Now then," Zevran strode down the path exiting the camp with wide, confident steps. "We were leaving, no?"

"No," Laeti argued, stumbling forward as she fought to keep pace with Zevran's slightly longer legs, "I mean yes! But you're not coming!"

"And why ever not?" Zevran glanced over in amusement as Laeti's foot caught the hem of her cloak, nearly sending her sprawling rather uncommandingly into the dirt.

"Because I can only bring three people with me at a time!" She argued firmly. Zevran paused for a long moment, his brow furrowing theatrically as Alistair, Wynne and Morrigan stalked towards the departing pair.

"That is foolish." Zevran laughed aloud as he took to stalking down the dirt path once more- Bluntly ignoring Laeti's continued protests three and a half paces behind HIM for once.

"You gave me your oath-"

"That I would serve you, yes."

"Then serve me by staying behind!"

"Mmmm.." He hummed aloud in theatric thought, "No." He concluded firmly as the party disappeared from view around a bend in the path, "My oath was to serve you-"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"That doesn't mean that I will serve you [i]unquestioningly[/i]." Zevran clarified as Bumu the mabari trouted after the party with a lolling tongue and a rancid stench.

Bank at camp, Oghren groaned pitiously from where he lay upon the damp soil- Smoke rising from his charred and remarkably bruised body. "Blightin' witch.." He grumbled soberly.

Lelianna directed an amused look downwards above the fallen dwarf, the corners of her sweet lips turned up in a smile, "If I'm not mistaken- They're leaving with our only healer; And Zevran's pack is the one with Laeti's collection of health potions in it."

"Heh," Oghren grinned upwards, "I can see up your skirt.."

"Maker above.."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The scouting went well, however, about half way back to the camp Zevran found himself rather bored without a battle to have, and promptly chose to entertain himself by antagonizing Laeti.

"You know, my dear, you appear rather flexible.. I've seen you move in battle- And I must say that I am most impressed.." Zevran purred three and a half paces behind Laeti with an amused, flirtacious smile, "I would be remarkably more impressed if you joined me in my tent and-

Laeti's face turned a fiery red and she quickly dashed off the path, throwing a stammering, "I-I'm going hunting!" Over her shoulder before disappearing into the shadows of the forest lining the worn path.

Zevran grinned beneath his breath triumphantly, "And- There she goes!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Laeti was deep in the Brecilian passage, her ankles soaked and muddied from wading through a nearby creek, squishing disgustingly with every step- And she adored every instant. The air stank of mud, animals and damp fur- A winning combination that Laeti found herself appreciating with every deep breath inwards. It smelled- it sounded- it tasted like HOME. Tracing her fingertips down the intricately carved bow in her grip as she strode over a deer trail with silent, prowling footsteps, Laeti found a soft, easy smile falling over her lips for the first time since the entire endevour to save Fereldon started.

And for once, she honestly felt that lurking just behind a tree to her side rested Tamlen, mischeviously holding his breath and watching his footfalls for hours so he could leap from his perch and startle the redheaded Dalish into screaming like a child and spooking away any kill the pair could have hunted for miles- All so he could tease her relentlessly about the entire affair for weeks afterwards.

And it ALWAYS worked.

Here, Laeti breathed deeply, her eyes sliding shut in bliss, She could nearly forget how cruel the world was here.

_Hot moans filled the night air-_

-But she couldn't forget EVERYTHING, it seemed. She thought with a start, immediately beginning to derail such lust ridden imaginings with, well, the thoughts that SHOULD be filling her mind.

Small game was essentially useless to the growing party, not only did it incite numerous hungry bellies, no matter how many rabbits she caught, but it sparked an IMPRESSIVE number of complaints and bickering.

_Desperately, Laeti leaned forwards, pressing her smaller body against Zevran's muscular one looming just above her as-_

-Alistair always insisted on cooking the meat that Laeti hunted into a thick stew, adding various foraged mushrooms, berries and herbs to 'enhance' the flavor. After it became apparent, however, that he had an uncanny ability to locate only the most poisonous of such (Which was a feat, as Fereldon consisted of primarily edible berries, mushrooms and herbs.)- He was no longer allowed to scavenge.

_Laeti arched her back, lifting her chest off the hard ground as a breathy moan left her throat-_

And so, Laeti found herself tracking a rather large elk for the past hour- And ah, She smiled in satisfaction, here it was.. Just across the trail.. Crouching low to the ground silently, Laeti slid behind a fallen log smoothly as she evenly notched an arrow into the drawstring on her bow and drew the arrow to her cheek. Exhaling deeply, Laeti leveled the tip of the arrow towards the deer's open flank.

"-If you wish to bed me, you have only to ask." Zevran purred, his accented voice sending a shiver of pleasure down Laeti's neck. Her fingers slipped from the string dumbly, the arrow whistling through the air as it impalled the tree trunk beside the deer's tail with a solid, hearty thunk.

The noise of course, spooked the animal, who, OF COURSE, chose to trample through camp in its mad dash to escape said noise.

Laeti gawked dumbly as the deer knocked aside tents, scattered the fire pit's rocks and put a hoof through pretty much every piece of cheese Alistair had lying about (much to his rather loud dismay), before disappearing into the underbrush at the other edge of the camp.

Laeti hadn't realized how close she'd wandered towards the camp..

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Zevran looked past Oghren and his drull conversation bluntly, peering into the darkened forest at the edge of camp suspiciously as his fingers began to twitch towards the hilts of his dual blades, his senses heightening for battle.

_Something startled the deer._

Expecting, assassins, mercenaries, or perhaps an odd mixture of the two to be lurking just outside the borders of the camp- Zevran felt a wide grin spill onto his features as he observed a far more amusing cause to the sudden disturbance.

Laeti stared at the camp blankly, her jaw dropped a solid inch, her hood theatrically sliding off of her long red hair in shock. The little beauty was crouched behind a fallen log, an arrow impaled into a tree knot deeply- The story of the entire event written across her shocked face. The little Dalish elf's pointed (And red to the tips) ears sank downwards with shock and embarrassment, unaware she was being watched, she gave an exasperation groan and slumped forwards, firmly planting her face into the fallen log in defeat.

Zevran fought to keep his laughter silent- He really did. His lips turned white under pressure he pressed them together, and his shoulders bobbed up and down with withheld laughter.

"What?!" The dwarf sputtered as he finally recovered from the initial shock of Zevran's off setting remark, his entire face a scorching red, and not, for once, because of the severe amount of alcohol he always drank fervently- As if believing himself to be The Great Alcohol Fish of Fereldon.

"Draw your weapon and say that again!" Oghren The Waist High demanded, spittle gathering around his gaping mouth.

Zevran threw his head back and bellowed a hearty laugh.

"I jest, my foul-smelling friend. You are only slightly more attractive to me than a slime-filled pool of swamp water." Zevran promised, completely truthful on the subject as the very thought had him nauseated.

Ugh. The thought of the thought had the same effect.

Oghren gave a grunt, swaying slightly as he snatched a flask from his belt and threw his head back (stumbling a bit at the sudden movement) to loudly gulp down a long, deep drink of the disgusting swill that always smelt like stagnant vomit, had the consistancy of rotten mud- and yet, the disgusting dwarf always insisted upon caring it on him. "Better be." He belched.

"You have my oath." Zevran swore, his eyes falling back to where Laeti remained idle, her face remaining planted firmly into the bark of the log in defeat. She wasn't even breathing.

It was.. Interesting that a mere word on his part could make the notorious archer miss her shot.

He wondered just what her reaction would have been had the phrase actually been directed to her!

"Bloody Antivans.." Oghren stomped furiously off- And Zevran supposed it might even have been intimidating, were the Alcoholic Fish not toppling over every five steps. Smoothly, Zevran folded his hands behind his back as a mischievous smile fell over his features as he slipped into the forested brush, and stalked towards the prone Dalish and her log.

She was gone by the time he got there.

Zevran exhaled disappointedly as he drew his off hand's blade, idly examining the gleaming metal for cracks or splits, Still, he thought with a smirk, She'd have to come back to camp sometime.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Laeti breathed out softly, leaning her head back against the rough bark of the tree at her back in humiliated exhaustion.

Completely unaware that the cause of her pounding heart rested just three and a half paces behind her- Standing just on the other side of the tree at her back.

_Laeti knotted her fingers in Zevran's tangled hair, sighing deeply with pleasure-_

-Those damn Antivans!


End file.
